identity

This post originally appeared on Lily’s blog, Red Climbing Lily.

A few months ago, I signed up for “Justice and Jewish Thought,” an eight-week seminar organized by Pursue. Although it may not seem like it to the outside observer, this was a fraught choice for me. I grew up knowing other Jewish people, but with few peers who identified strongly with Judaism, particularly its religious or spiritual aspects. On the relative scale of my hometown and its school system, I was an outlier. I kept kosher, went to synagogue every shabbat, and attended Hebrew school three additional days per week. Perhaps more unusual, I was a believer. Outwardly, I wasn’t much different, but once people found out about my practice, I became an object of scrutiny, puzzlement, and occasionally derision. Later I came to understand that some of the people who I felt were bullying me–challenging with a little too much agression–were longing for faith to make sense to them. By confronting me, they were saying, “prove it.” And they wanted me to succeed. But it doesn’t work like that.

In the past ten years, I’ve moved through different environments with differing numbers of people who shared my religious and ethnic identities. My personal relationship to Judaism has changed. While it is important to me to “own” my Jewishness, I’m no longer the staunch believer I was at 12 or 16. My world has gotten bigger and more complex, and there is nothing in it that can adequately explain suffering. A friend, who I often use as a sounding board for my metaphysical crises, asked me what I expect from God–am I waiting for divine intervention? And if so, won’t it negate free will? Perhaps there is a benevolent, even loving God in existence, but I no longer understand my relationship to this entity. I’m angry and sad and not very worshipful. Read more →

Tagged as: events, identity, justice and jewish thought, new york city

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